I’m not sleeping tonight and I’m writing in my diary. My thoughts are racing through my mind. My boyfriend, Greg Hanisch MD/cardiothoracic surgeon, is the very best. He returned to Colorado for my heart. If I say yes, we’re married in a matter of weeks. I love the guy to death; however with my Mom dying and our family rattled by the events, I’m just not ready. Greg sneakily asks when I can be ready for marriage. Honestly, I don’t know. We broke up last year because he wanted me in Cleveland, Ohio; and I said “no way.” Maybe that was wrong. My thoughts are not consistent. I had no idea that I would be so popular from music (Downtown), my job at Fitted Bindings, and my friends. Everyone leans on me for everything. I provide advice because of my reputation within social media. My advice extends from dealing with being dumped to dissuading pregnancy terminations. Most of these fans should seek counseling from friends/family/therapists/church members. Few have the time or money to resort to formal professional help. I now know that virtually everyone needs professional help at times in their life. I know I needed help after Mom died. I asked Dad for antidepressant (SSRI) drugs; and he refused. I talked to many friends and family; and that definitely helped my soul. Many of my fans don’t have close people with whom they can confide inner thoughts. Thus, I’m fortunate. It’s my grief with my Mom’s sudden death that keeps me from saying yes to Greg; or that I’m more ready for a lifelong decision.
When your Mom dies at an early age, life changes immensely. The needs of your inner soul are opened like a gaping wound. A person is vulnerable to anything. Strong decisions requiring a clear thought pattern are rendered much more difficult (marriage). You may love someone immensely; yet can’t harvest the energy to commit the rest of your life to them. As in my situation, Greg is so patient, well mannered and incredibly intelligent. He’s so well respected. His present situation of performing locum tenens cardiac work in The Springs has been quite healthy for him. He’s met many great medical and surgical colleagues, administrators and paramedical people. People know that he nearly died himself over losing his family and fiancé a week before his wedding in a plane accident. The surgical crew knows that he dates The Colorado Girl. We meet half way in Alma, South Park or Fairplay, Colorado. It is simple, fun and we have a good time on the spur of the moment for a couple hours. My dad adores Greg. Thus, I’m close to saying let’s get married.
It is rather selfish of me to stop the flow of a rekindled relationship. I just have been emotionally washed with Mom’s death and the repercussions. It is plenty to do our volunteer mission work with Catholic and community charities (all churches combined), sing/dance/perform with Downtown, and be an international business icon by chance. I would give up everything I have to have my Mom back for 30 seconds. I could cry like a faucet the rest of my life; but want to move on. I think I’m really over Mom’s death and then suddenly I see a mirage of her in our backyard. She’s waving at my friends who are still here sledding the next afternoon in a sleep over. I hear her humming and singing Downtown with Grandma in our kitchen. I see her in my dreams taking two hours hour to ski with a special need’s child down a Keystone Resort bunny slope. My mother lived ten lives; not just one. I wake up and think that Mom is taking me skating at the local outdoor ice rink. I talk to myself as if I’m a child talking to Mom. Will this severe grief ever end?
Dad knocks on the door and asks if everything is okay. I smile and say life is good and things are perfect. He smiles and says he’s heading to bed. I’m happy I moved back home from the Keystone Village Condominiums. I miss the camaraderie of my friends; but between all my retail customers, Downtown and my growing social media contacts, I’m quite connected. I’m thankful I’m busy with great friends, caring consumers and a solid company. I’m way too young to be melancholic; but my insight from being interactive and a counselor of many people has made me much more aware of my psyche. I’m beginning to become tired. My inner thoughts will never be read until generations later when an archeology class digs our house from rubble and finds The Colorado Girl Diaries.